Here’s today’s #AskTheGypsyShrink ™️ relationship question 💕
“I'm "dating" this girl. I really like her, but she's back and forth about committing to anything with me. For the sake of self preservation I have started referring to her as my "friend", even when I'm talking to her directly. Things like "that's what friends are for.." and reinforcing that we're friends every chance I get. But she has said that she doesn't want us to be "friend zoned". The other day she told me she's "really starting to like me" and she kisses me in public. At the same time she hasn't made any real attempts to hang out with me since then, but remains all over my social media - commenting on everything, throwing heart emojis around... I'm just not sure what to do about it. I've already tried putting distance there and labeling us as friends... not sure what else to do. - #Frustrated Frank”✨
Dear Frustrated Frank, First of all thanks for reaching out <3 Now on to your relationship question: It sounds like there is a lot of things that are not being said – a definite lack of communication. You both may acting from a place of fear and doubt. How do you really feel about this girl? Do YOU want there to be more of a traditional relationship? You say she is "back and forth" about what she wants but have you talked about what YOU want? Is there reason to think she may be acting or reacting in a way that is mirroring how YOU are acting? Is she feeding off your energy or following your example?
There may be some definite mixed signals going around too. Referring to her as your friend is going to be reinforcing that you may not want the relationship to move past the “friend-zone” or “friends with benefits zone”. It sounds like this is not what you want and you want there to be more, because why else would you have brought it up? Being open about what we want means we have to open our selves to being rejected and that makes us feel vulnerable … something none of us really like. But refusing to go after what we want because we may get rejected and not get it leaves us in this stagnant place of “now what”? The advice is this: sit down and have this important conversation. BUT BEFORE this conversation – YOU need to sit down with YOURSELF and decide what you want. Is she the type of person that you really want to have a long-term committed relationship with? Or are you not sure? Do you only want her if she wants you? Once you decide what you want allow your-self to be open and vulnerable with her and tell her what you want – “ I want to be in a relationship with you” or “ I don’t want anything serious”. Allow yourself to get hurt if she does not want what you want and be prepaid to pick yourself up and move on if that is the case. Depending on how long you have been dating this maybe time to “put-up or shut-up”. If you truly want something deep and meaningful and she is not, then it may be time to move on so you can find the relationship that will leave you fulfilled and happy. Xoxo – Good Luck! Dr.R